Let me start by apologizing for the fact that this column was not present in the last issue: complications at USMV world headquarters sabotaged my efforts to produce this piece of trashy fluff drivel. That being said, let me assure the three or four of you who care that this will never happen again, and from now on, every single time you sign on to read a new issue, you will be optically bombarded by my verbal pomposity, my arrogance in the assumption that I could somehow write something that could improve your life in the slightest. And now, on to the list…

1) Nutella - Mmm, creamy mushy European nutty goodness. For those of you who haven’t already been introduced to this, the ultimate condiment, I urge you to run out to your local Food Emporium and pick up a tub. I’m dead serious when I say that this stuff is like edible heroin. Hazelnuts. Chocolate. Cream. Lard. Angel dust. Smack. Whatever Nutella is made of is of no consequence; the prospect of you using it next time you get the urge for a fluffernutter sandwich is deathly serious.

2) Secretary of State Katherine Harris - Is it me, or is this woman dead in the eyes? Look at the way she repressed a gleeful smirk when she declared Dubya the winner. Notice how she stared, entranced, into the camera lens after she tried to block the recount. Here is a woman completely driven by self-interest, willing to sacrifice discovering what the will of the people is for the sake of her own proposed ambassadorship. Whatever you think of the presidential candidates, my friends, one thing is clear: this woman is the devil incarnate, come down to this unholy land to wreak a little more havoc.

3) Cake - No, not the delectable spongy dessert, but the jazzy alt-rock outfit that helmed such classics as “The Distance,” “Frank Sinatra,” “Sheep Go to Heaven,” “The Land of Race Car Ya- Ya’s,” and (my personal favorite) “Friend is a Four Letter Word.” These guys have earned a place on the top 5 because they’ve been releasing consistently excellent music for a while now, and yet they are perpetually on the mainstream fringe, too artsy to break out yet too commercial to be considered “hip” and “indie.” These guys are great! Let’s give them some attention! Plus, they’re cool because they played some random thirteen-year-old kid’s Bar Mitzvah simply because he wrote them a letter asking them to.

4) ODB (Ol’ Dirty Bastard) - Come on now... I dare you to find me a man on this planet that has bigger, brassier balls than this Wu-Tang fugitive. Here is a man who, while breathlessly treading the line between freedom and decades of prison life, chose to plan an escape from his rehab center. Then, while a fugitive from the law, ODB high-tailed it to New York City, where he JOINED THE WU-TANG CLAN FOR A COUPLE OF NUMBERS ONSTAGE AT THE HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM!!!! After performing for about ten minutes with his friends, Dirty said the following, “Y’all know they had the ODB locked down, right? Well, I’m here to tell you that they can’t keep me down. Now I’m free, and I’m out there like a bird flying around, so y’all better leave some birdseed on your windowsills, because I may be flying by your house,” before dropping his microphone and high-tailing it off the stage, with authorities in pursuit. This story leaves me breathless every time I think about it. Wow, just...wow. This man has mustered more bravery than I could imagine: imprisonment hasn’t destroyed his will in the slightest. You can’t write shit like this.

5) Vlad the Impaler - Vlad is by far the coolest, most ruthless Viking ever to roam the planet. He used to impale his victims on sticks and leave them screaming in pain, struggling to hold on to their puny little lives in the face of certain death. Screw Leif Ericson...this guy was the real deal Holyfield, and that’s a fact, Jack!

Oh, and one last thing. I would like to cement my stance as “pro-file sharing” by adding a capper to this column. From now on, this column will end with this weeks’ “Top 5 Songs to Download Off Napster.” They’re just a bunch of great songs I’d like you guys to hear. I figure it’s a pertinent issue. Here you are...

1) Bob Dylan - “All Along the Watchtower (Funkstar Deluxe Remix)”
2) Millencollin - “Highway Donkey”
3) Michael Jackson - “Smooth Criminal”
4) Radiohead - “True Love Waits”
5) Pink Floyd - “Comfortably Numb (Live)” (the nine and a half minute version)

Until next time...