“The Sweetest Thing” proves that Hollywood has finally achieved equality of the sexes. The film, written by Nancy Pimental (a writer on Comedy Central’s flagship show, “South Park”), produced by Cathy Konrad, and starring glamour queens Cameron Diaz and “Married With Children” alum Christina Applegate, proves that women can come up with a cheap, gross-out flick filled with sophomoric jokes, many of them badly dated, just as men have been doing in Tinseltown for decades. The Farrelly brothers will puke when they see rank amateurs invading their territory.

Christina Walters (Cameron Diaz) is a man-eater who loves to toy with the opposite sex. The film, in its lone funny scene, opens with testimonials from those who have had their hearts broken by her. Her idea of a good time is to go to the trendiest dance clubs in San Francisco where the infatuated bouncers always let her and her posse, led by lawyer Courtney Rockliffe (Christina Applegate), zip past the velvet rope.

When Jane (Selma Blair), one of her roommates, gets dumped by a guy, Christina drags her to the club in hopes of finding her a new boyfriend. Christina winds up flirting with Peter (Thomas Jane), a good-looking hunk from Somerset who’s at the club for his brother’s bachelor’s party. Despite lengthy banter between Christina and Peter, no phone numbers are exchanged -- an inaction Christina quickly regrets. The take-charge Courtney tells Christina they will track him down at the Saturday wedding in Somerset.

Nowadays, when guys try to get in touch with a girl armed with only third-party information, it is all too often considered a form of stalking. When the roles are reversed, however, it’s supposed to have the makings for a cute romantic comedy. That, though, is the least of this film’s conceits. The humor, as I have alluded to previously, leaves a lot to be desired. Among the easy targets for laughs is that pathetic best-selling dating book called “The Rules,” which was fashionably beaten up by every two-bit comic four years ago. Other intended knee-slappers involve Christina Applegate’s character having to pee in a men’s urinal, Selma Blair’s having to bring a sperm-stained dress into a dry cleaner (yes, nothing like a “timely” Monica Lewinsky joke), and Applegate and Diaz having to spend half of the film running around in seven-inch spiked heels.

Some of the humor is even recycled from Cameron Diaz’s past films. Crashing a wedding has been done in hundreds of films, ranging from “The Graduate” to “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” the latter of which co-starred Diaz as the bride. The most memorable scene in 1998's “There’s Something About Mary” was when Ben Stiller’s character got his penis stuck in his tuxedo pants’ zipper; in “The Sweetest Thing,” a less important male character gets his member stuck in a different locale. You could say that Nancy Pimental is spoofing Diaz’s film career, though it comes across more like lazy script plagiarism.

Another sure sign of a weak comedy is when the film’s running time is padded with out-takes shown as the closing credits roll. Of course, all of the characters laugh hysterically at their flubs.

“The Sweetest Thing” wastes the talents of its personalities. Until this film, Cameron Diaz had enjoyed an unblemished screen record; Thomas Jane, who was terrific as Mickey Mantle in HBO’s “61*,” doesn’t have much to work with here. Jane bears a strong resemblance to such leading men as Matthew Modine and Kevin Costner in their prime and has the boyish charm of Tim Allen; thus, he should fortunately not have much trouble finding work.

In truth, the sweetest thing about this movie is walking out of the theatre.
"The Sweetest Thing"

Starring Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, and Thomas Jane

Directed by Roger Kumble

reviewed by Lloyd Carroll